Just thought I'd drop a little line to let everyone know how I'm doing and how everything is going. I'm having such a blast even though it is a difficult internship with lots of information, lots of challenges and major stretching. I love my family here and we are all getting so close that it's going to be so hard to say bye when the time comes. 4 people plus myself will be going to another country for 2 weeks and we will leave next week. The details about where we will be and what we are doing are confidential. Please keep us in your prayers for safe travels and for God to use us and speak through us as talking to this demographic will require much wisdom. I've been learning much about how to really play for Jesus and to really represent Him on the field and off the field in a more intentional way. The other night was a really powerful night for me and really just broke me down. I was really challenged in my thinking with how I look at performing and winning in soccer and in life. I've been so driven by performance and winning my whold life, and I thought I had it under control since soccer has been over and I've worked on chilling out a bit with the need to win and "just play for fun." Being with a bunch of other athletes and using my soccer skills have really brought my competitiveness out, and I'm basically unbarrying the root issue that never got uprooted...I just covered it up. When Dan (FCA guy) asked me what my definition of winning was, I said, "Having more points on the board than the other team by the end of the game." It was weird hearing myself say that because as it was coming out of my mouth I was thinking, "That's not correct thinking," and "Is thar eally how I define winning?...Shocking!!!" Dan went on to takl about Biblical truths about winning and competition to correct my wrong thinking. My whole life a lot of my identity has been in my performance. That's why it was so hard when it all came to an end too becasue I didnt' have the sport or my accolades to show people "who I was." Dan asked if when we're out on the pitch (soccer field) if we experience and sense God's pleasure. I honestly had a hard time remembering times or instances when I had felt like God was pleased with me on the field. (At the time I couldn't think of any...but I have since picked out a couple of moments, but I want to experience it every time I'm out there). The thought of this really bothered me and I just broke down crying. Here all this time I've been thinking I was playing "for God" by leading my team in prayer, not going to the parties or cussing, them knowing I was a Christian and standing for what was right...instead of playing "in Christ" and using my talents to help make my team better, my opponents better, and anyone else linked to me playing. How totally selfish I had been in much of my playing experience. Sure I coudl win things and give God the glory, but the real question is, "who did I impact for Christ?" I know that it's not about me, and that is part of the problem, and I just pray that He was and is still able tow rok on their hearts and that he is able to get ahold of them. I'd love to be able to have one of them call because they remembered something I said, or if they needed advice and thought of me because they knew I was Godly..."God, please entrust me again." It just broke my heart because I felt like I kind-of blew it. I knwo I am extremely hard on myself too, but I just want a chance to do better. Dan encouraged us to pray before goign on the field, "Lord, I want to experience and sense your pleasure today when I play/practice/coach. I want You to be pleased with me when I step on and off the pitch." I dont' even know what this woudl look like or feel like for me because it's such a new and foreign concept. When we played soccer in the mud and rain with the Italian kids at the camp and had such a blast, it was just sooooo much fun and amazing!!! If that feeling is anything like what feeling God's pleasure is, that would be absolutely euphoric. My goal is to really renew my mind through the help of Jesus and really train myself to remember to pray before everything for His pleasure in all I do. I'm excited for what this will do in and through my life, but I now realize that this thinking I've had is so far engrained into me that I will NEVER be able to do it myself...I need God and I need others to help me. It will be a constant fight every time for the rest of my life, but I believe that with God's help, I can do ALL THINGS! So God has revealed one of my major weaknesses to me, since this trickles into many other areas of my life--performance, competition, pleasing others, doing things for myself, doing things myself--and I am believing for freedom. Although I don't believe that God took soccer away from me to teach me this lesson the hard way, I do believe that me doing things in my own way put a wedge between me and soccer to the point where I became so busy with everything else that playing wasn't really even an option, and with that, I just kind-of list interest because I knew I wasn't going to be able to play anymore, so why make it harder on myself? I believe that God used the season in between to lay some groundwork and make it easier for me to cope and not thinki about it as much because my attention was directed elsewhere. I believe He is using this time to work on my heart and specifically the other night, He is using the Italy trip to bring things back into the light so that God can work on my heart directly. I miss playing so much, but before I could play again, there needed to be space in between for God to work on my heart and show me these things before He can entrust me again with the gift and opportunity. I pray that God will entrust me again with the gift to play soccer at a high level. Althought I'd love to play again and get the chance to do it right the second time, I cant' get bogged down and motivated for the wrong reasons. It has to be purely for God and His people, but I also believe that He wants me to be hapy and joyful too and to play becasue I love to play and utilize the gifts He has given me. I believe I'm ready to play again, and I'm feeling like God is ready to entrust me again with the opportunity to use my gifts to help win others to Christ. The question of, "What would you do if you could do anything and you knew you wouldn't fail?" has always yielded this response from me, "Become a professional soccer player." Now I dont' know if that will ever happen or not, but I'd like to try and see. I beleive I'm ready now to try again becasue I now realize that I CANNOT do this without God helping me to get back into shape, find the right team and place, giving me favor, opening all the right doors and creating the windows of opportunity. I acknowledge that in my weakness in all these areas, God will give me and be my strength. "God, if it is Your will, I'd love to be entrusted again with the gift and passion to play soccer at a high level. Please give me favor and help and be my strength and my everything. My desire is to please you and experience Your pleasure doing the things I love while being a great example and leading others to Jesus. Amen!"
Friends and family...if you can continue to keep me in your prayers for God's wisdom and guidance in my life. This week my roomate Anna and I will start training and getting back into shape for when we go to England for the soccer camps. We're believing for God to open up awesome windows of opportunity for us to play soccer again.
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